Each of us has different circumstances surrounding our abortions. Some of us were choosing to do this to hide a lifestyle choice, others of us were afraid we couldn’t financially afford our children, others of us may have been coerced by the father or one of our parents. Whatever the reason you chose abortion, my guess is that there were others involved somehow. Others that you went to to seek guidance and advice on what to do.
I know that I had that. So often when I would recount that time in my life, I would forget that I really did confide in more than just the father of the baby, my boyfriend at the time. I had a small group of friends that I had confided in. I had about a 10 day wait from when I found out about the pregnancy until my abortion appointment, and looking back I honestly don’t know how I made it that 10 days without completely self-destructing or bursting from keeping this hidden. In that 10 days, it was obvious I was struggling, and I was only 17. I felt like I had to have advice or guidance yet at the same time, my mind was pretty made up.
I remember when I confided in my small group of friends, every single one of them said that they would do the same thing. They affirmed what I wanted to do, which at the time validated me because everything inside of me was screaming that what I was about to do was wrong. In my situation, the fact that my friends did not offer me a different solution really was a huge let down because that was one less opportunity for me to stop and think, is what I’m doing really the right thing?
Don’t misunderstand me here. I am not saying that it’s my friends’ fault I had an abortion. It is my responsibility and I am culpable for that decision. I pray that anyone who knows me knows that I fully and wholeheartedly believe that I am not a victim in this situation. It is important, however, to recognize that there are other factors that play a role in our decisions.
To this day, I am no longer friends with any of those girls. I have no ill will against them, I truly wish them well in life, but I do not communicate with them. I know enough to know that they are pro-abortion and likely do not regret affirming my choice. The friend who helped call me out of school did reconnect with me in the fall of 2023 and apologized to me for not trying to provide me with a better option, and we did have a great moment of forgiveness where I was not only able to tell her that I had forgiven her long ago, but I also was able to ask her for forgiveness in even involving her in such a big thing at the young age of 17. If you want to listen a bit more about that, you can listen to episode 65 of the show. The thing is though, I had already forgiven her long before we reconnected.
I forgave those other friends too. None of them have asked me to. None of them are even apologetic, yet I have extended forgiveness to them because in order to us to have healing and be able to move forward, we have to forgive. We have to let go of the bitterness.
Does that make it easy? Absolutely not. It’s hard enough to forgive, it’s even harder when the person you need to forgive isn’t even apologetic or regretful for how they have participated in your pain.
I know many of you listening have these people in your life. You may have to actively see these people regularly. If you were coerced by a parent, that has to be so hard. If you were forced by your spouse, that has to feel like a huge weight pushing you down. Maybe you weren’t forced but you weren’t offered alternatives by your loved ones. You feel yourself stuck in the constant cycle of thinking “If only they would have said this or said that.” You don’t understand why they didn’t just intervene and help you.
So, how do we do it? How do we get to the point where we can forgive others involved in our abortion experience when they aren’t even apologetic for their involvement? When they don’t regret it? Or when they don’t even realize how much pain we are in because of their actions?
I’m going to give you 3 tips so you know how to respond if you face this situation. If you choose to confront those who were involved and they seem unapologetic, it’s important for you to be prepared for how to respond so that you can support yourself emotionally in the instance of an interaction that could end in a hurtful way. The last thing you want to do is something that you might regret.
- Be honest with the person about your feelings
- Even if they are unapologetic, it’s important for you to be honest. “Your action really hurt me” etc. For one, it may not be obvious to them and for another, even if it is, hearing those words is important for them. It holds them accountable and allows you to express your feelings.
- Remember that they are also an image bearer of God.
- f you are starting to get angry about how they are responding to you, try to remind yourself that God created them and loves them too, even though they are being hurtful. That doesn’t mean you need to allow yourself to be treated poorly, but Ephesians 4:26 says “be angry, but do not sin.” Anger is a necessary emotion that we are going to experience from time to time, but what we do with that anger is what can be sinful. You can remove yourself from the situation before things escalate to protect yourself and your peace.
- Remember that they don’t need to apologize in order for you to forgive them.
- Forgiveness in this situation isn’t a gift for them, it really is a gift for you. We are forgiven because of the gift that God gave us in Jesus. You extending forgiveness to them is a recognition of the fact that we have this hope in Jesus. Even if they are not repentant, it’s important for your heart to be able to get to this place. It is a process and is going to take some time and a ton of prayer and surrender to God. remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling and that you can choose to forgive and still have other emotions. Continue to strive and God will guide you.
Forgiving others can truly change your physical and mental health. It’s like a literal weight lifting off of your shoulders. I pray that what you’ve read today will help you feel the freedom that forgiveness brings when you choose to extend it and live in it. Be free!
XO, Brittany
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