Life is a series of choices, isn’t it? We could dive down a deep rabbit hole thinking about all of these past choices we have made and what would have happened if we had done something different. From things that are less serious, to our abortion decision, there is a huge spectrum of circumstances that could be different if we had taken a different path, and it’s totally natural to think about what life would have looked like if we had done something different.
I was thinking about this recently because this time of year is always a little hard for me and my family. Almost 16 years ago, my dad passed away after a 10-year battle with Parkinson’s. I haven’t told this story super often, but I feel compelled to share it because I think it may help with what we’re about to talk about on the podcast.
The September before my dad passed away, he was fine one minute and then the next had taken a turn. He obviously still struggled day to day, but we’d settled into a new normal of his balance being off and his walking being much slower. Until one day, that September, he just all of a sudden couldn’t walk. What followed was months of degeneration, where he continued to lose the ability to walk and do anything for himself until eventually, he was placed on hospice. I was in my sophomore year of high school, and played violin in the pit orchestra for the high school musical. We were doing the Pajama Game that year. One night, I came home from pit practice, and at this point, my dad had lost his ability to talk and hadn’t eaten or drunk in quite some time. He didn’t spend much time awake. I had gotten home at kind of a late hour, and I remember walking towards the stairs down to my room and my mom saying that it was ok if I popped in to say hello to my dad. Not wanting to bother him, I said, “It’s ok, I’ll say hi to him tomorrow so I don’t wake him.”
Unfortunately, the next morning I was woken up at about 6:30 by my mom saying, “Brittany, he’s gone. Dad died.” We knew it was coming, but I was just in shock. Not shocked like I was surprised it happened, but shocked because it was like I was numb and going through the motions. I’ve thought often about the fact that I had one last chance to pop in and say hi to my dad and took it totally for granted. Was he upset that I hadn’t come in? Obviously no, when we get to heaven we no longer feel anger or pain or sorrow. But me, left here on Earth, I feel regret, sorrow, and pain.
So, how do we move forward when we have these regrets that are so final? When there’s a regret surrounding the death of a loved one, there are no redos. I cannot go back in time and say one last goodbye to my dad. I also cannot go back in time and not choose abortion. We don’t have the ability to travel back to the past and unmake the mistakes that haunt us.
How do we move past the guilt? How do we let go of that shame? How do we stop the “should have been” from playing over and over in our minds?
One scripture that can be comforting, but also devastating for post-abortive women like us is Jeremiah 1:5 – Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. In this scripture, God makes it clear that he knows each and every single one of us before we are even conceived and he has plans for each of us. When an abortion occurs, that potential fails to come to fruition. That’s a painful realization for us. To know that God had a plan for our babies and we went against that plan is extremely painful. We get into that cycle of “what could have been” and “what should have been” and it leaves us completely isolated, alone, and distraught.
I want to give you 3 things to remind yourself of when you get into these cycles of thinking. When the grief hits and you can’t stop picturing what life should be like right now. When you are spiraling and can’t possibly fathom how you are going to move forward.
God knows everything, and he knows that some young lives will end all too soon.
That doesn’t mean we can justify what we’ve done, but it does mean that God knows the whole entire situation, and He sees your heart right now. He sees you seeking healing. He bottles up your tears. And heaven is far better than we could ever imagine. Our children are there right now.
Facts don’t care about our feelings.
It’s ok to feel and it’s healthy to have feelings. However, it’s unhealthy to stay there when it means you’re denying the truth. Fact: we can’t go back, so focusing on what could have been can actually hurt us more than help us. Fact: our children are in heaven and we will see them again. Fact: life maybe doesn’t look like we want it to right now but God can still make it beautiful and make the reunion with our children a beautiful one in heaven.
God can work all things and use them for His good.
That doesn’t make the thing we did good, but He can bring good from it. Perhaps the healing that you are going through right now is bringing you closer to fellowship with God. Ideally, would be it better if we had never had an abortion in the first place? Absolutely. But, as stated, we can’t go back, and God can use this pain to bring us back to him.
I know it’s hard to let go. I know it’s not something you can just automatically do. But I pray that in reading this, you feel equipped to know how to support your grief when these waves come up. Healing is a journey, my friend. You’ve got this!
XO, Brittany
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