Just recently, I asked our Facebook group what topics I should talk about on the blog. One of the topics that came up was: relationships.

So, I want to ask you, do you struggle forming new relationships because of your past abortion? Do you struggle with dating relationships, friendships, anything and everything in between? Well, let’s talk about it.

I remember my first dating relationship after my abortion. I was so afraid that I wasn’t good enough and that he wouldn’t want to be with me if he knew. I wrestled with whether or not I should tell this person about my past, my most deepest, darkest secret, my biggest regret. Ultimately, I did decide that he should know, and this would’ve been about six months into our relationship. When I told him, he actually did not receive it well; he didn’t talk to me for about 24 hours afterwards, and then we just never really talked about it in depth ever again.

There may have been a handful of times that I would try to bring if I was struggling with something, but he just really tuned me out in those moments. At the time, I didn’t realize that I deserved to be treated better than that. I didn’t think that I deserved compassion.

I dealt with this treatment in that relationship until God ultimately decided to intervene and that relationship ended. Now, even though that relationship ended, I still had it in my mind that I was not good enough, that if people knew that I had an abortion, that I would have no one in my life left. I really kept this from most of my friends, until I had this exposed about me on Twitter a couple of years later. It was actually due to this breakup with this person. He told one of his baseball teammates and that teammate posted it on Twitter, and it was really quite devastating. In that moment, I needed support and I did tell my friends who loved and accepted me in that moment and showed me compassion and just really guided me through.

I then decided to tell my next relationship pretty early on, and that person is actually my now husband. When I told him, he met me with so much compassion, he treated me how I deserved to be treated and he did not define me by my past sin. I was so incredibly thankful that he was able to meet me where I was at and not judge me by my past.

So, how are you feeling about his topic? Are you worried about what people will think about you? Do you have to disclose your past abortion to the people in your life? The answer to that question is really going to depend on the relationship that we are talking about. So, let’s just go ahead and talk about some different kinds of relationships that we have with people.

MARRIAGE

If you’re reading this post and you are married, and you have not told your current spouse that you have had an abortion, you need to tell your spouse. However, if you are in an unsafe situation, please do not do that. You need to keep yourself safe. But, if you are in a typical marriage relationship where there is no abuse and no harm, you do need to tell your spouse because we are to be one flesh with our spouse.

The reason I would encourage this is because a lot of women actually start to really feel the effects of post-abortion syndrome after they have more living children. If you are planning on getting married and having children with this person, it’s really good for them to understand where your struggles may come from so that they can be better equipped to support you in that.

In addition, if we are talking about serious dating relationships, in my opinion, this should be disclosed If marriage is on the table. I feel like is insinuated when we’re calling it a serious dating relationship, right? You’re probably seriously considering forever with this person. If that is a case, then I would disclose this. I would really truly encourage you to do this before you are married and you can even do this alongside your pastor because ideally you’re hopefully going through some premarital counseling with a pastor.

While I really would encourage you to disclose this to someone you’re in a relationship with if you are planning on spending forever with them, you’re going to need to let God lead you and help you with your discernment.

FRIENDSHIPS

Let’s talk about close friendships. This is going to depend on a few things. Why would you provide this information about you to your close friends? What would be the purpose?

If these friendships are good, and they’re godly, and you feel the reason is a good reason and one that would be beneficial to your friendship, then I think you should feel encouraged to tell your friends. Now, does that mean you have to tell them? No. But, if you are really struggling, and feel like your close friendship could be a good support for you, then you should be able to trust and disclose this information to your close friends.

SURFACE LEVEL FRIENDSHIPS

So, what do we do about those surface level friendships? Honestly, this is going to depend on the individual situation. I really don’t think you need to feel like you have to disclose this to any of your surface level friends. What I mean by surface level friend, is someone that you’re not hanging out with very often, and somebody that you probably don’t share a lot of deep stuff with.

Now, a good reason to disclose your past decision of abortion to a person that you’re in a surface level friendship with, would be if this person is in an unplanned pregnancy and is coming to you for help or advice. Disclosing how abortion negatively impacted you and helping them find resources that would help them would be a great example of a good situation where you could feel confident that you’re doing something good by disclosing your abortion to this person. I think they would really appreciate the kindness, compassion, and support from you, too.

ACQUAINTANCES/COWORKERS, ETC.

As far as people in your life that you aren’t very close with, like your acquaintances/coworkers or even strangers, I don’t think it’s necessary for you to disclose your past abortion. At the end of the day, nobody is entitled to the private and intimate parts of your life (except for your spouse because you are one flesh). You’re not obligated to share every piece of yourself. Are these people doing that with you? Is every single person in your life coming to you and confessing their sins to you? I don’t think so. So, just because it’s “abortion” does not mean that you have to disclose it.

Abortion is no different in God’s eyes than any other sin. You are not defined by your abortion. God is the one who defines you, and He defines you as chosen, loved, forgiven, and set free as long as you’ve repented it to Him.

So, at the end of the day, do you have to disclose this piece of you to everybody? Absolutely not. But, if you do, choose to do it with the people that are going to be able to support you and show you compassion and love when you are struggling.

Dear Heavenly Father, I just want to pray for the woman reading this today, whether or not she’s unsure of how to proceed with telling the people in her life about her abortion. Lord, I just pray that you’ll bring her peace and that you’ll guide her to do what is right. And, if that’s to tell certain people, then help her do that. Help her be brave, help her have that courage. And, if it’s to not have to disclose this piece of her life, just give her peace and help her understand that she’s not defined by her past decision to have an abortion. She’s defined by how much she is loved by you Lord. And, I just pray that this blog post has brought her peace and comfort and will help her understand that she is absolutely capable of having healthy relationships with people. Even if she’s feeling like she doesn’t deserve it right now, she is absolutely worth way more than what she is thinking of herself. I just want to thank you, Lord, for every woman reading this today, and I pray peace and protection over them as we head into a new week. In Jesus name, amen.