It’s December, which means we are in the thick of the holiday season! While this time of year is typically thought to be happy and joyful, you may actually be feeling the opposite. The forbidden grief that you’re feeling may be overtaking the typical joy and excitement of Christmas, and you might actually be dreading the get-togethers and the movies and the decorations, and everything in between.
If that’s you, there is nothing wrong with you. I am praying that reading this helps you navigate your grief during this season so that you can take care of yourself and maybe even experience a little bit of joy!
I absolutely love Christmas. It’s a tie for my favorite holiday along with Easter. Celebrating the birth of our savior is such an amazing reminder of the promise that God made and kept in his son Jesus. There is so much promise and hope in the Christmas season.
But, how do you feel joy when you are struggling with forbidden grief? How do you just forget about the pain you’re feeling when it’s weighing down on you so heavily? Grief isn’t something that just goes away. Grief over losing a child is debilitating. And, Forbidden Grief, the grief after abortion that we feel we aren’t allowed to talk about, can leave us wanting to isolate ourselves and forget about Christmas altogether.
If that’s you, I don’t want you to feel like something is wrong with you or that you are unworthy of being around people because of your struggle to feel joy in this season. If you’re thinking I’m going to just tell you to “pull up your bootstraps and smile through it,” I’m certainly not going to do that. I don’t think trying to fake your way through the holiday season is going to be helpful to you. But, I do think there are some things that you can do to make the most out of the season while also taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to move through your grief.
But first, a story: you’ve probably heard me talk about how we lost my dad when I was 15 years old after a 10-year battle with Parkinson’s disease and a multitude of other health issues due to his service in Vietnam. While the loss of him was tragic and difficult, we also had a ton of time to prepare because of how long he had been sick. Because of this, my family and I pretty much dove back into life after a few weeks of losing him. My brother and I went back to school a week after he died. I handed all of my homework in on time even though my teachers gave me extended deadlines for everything, and we continued to gather with our extended family for the holidays.
My dad passed away in March, so we had quite a few months until Christmas at the time. While my family navigated grief and sadness at the loss of my dad, our extended family and friends were completely back to normal it seemed. What was so strong for us didn’t seem as strong for everyone else, and that was pretty hard.
That first Christmas, we still gathered with our extended family. My mom did a ton of work cooking, cleaning, wrapping gifts, setting things up, and entertaining others. My mom had just lost her spouse, yet she was still having to serve everyone else when really, she needed someone to step in and allow her to rest. Instead of Christmas being enjoyable for her, she found it exhausting and quite honestly, tragic, because my dad was not there as he should have been.
It was so hard for her, and for my brother and I, that the following year my mom actually booked a family vacation for us to Hawaii so we would be gone over Christmas. My extended family wasn’t happy about it, especially my grandparents. They thought that we all should be together on Christmas and didn’t understand why my mom would want to travel somewhere tropical right over a super important holiday. It wasn’t tradition for us to be gone. Growing up, we always celebrated holidays with my mom’s side of the family, and my mom’s side of the family is pretty small to begin with compared to what a lot of people have, so when one or two of us had to be gone it was super noticeable.
There was definitely some tension with family members leading up to our trip, but my mom was super at peace with it because instead of having to entertain and support others, she was going to be able to focus on enjoying vacation with her kids. We still celebrated Christmas in Hawaii, the hotel we stayed in actually had a year-round Christmas store in it with some fun stuff, and she even got us Hawaiin Christmas stockings on Christmas morning (we still use those stockings to this day). It was fun to have a nontraditional way of celebrating the holiday, and even though we still missed my dad so much it wasn’t a constant reminder that the holiday had completely changed, that our typical traditions had this void because he wasn’t there. We were able to do our own thing and control how we spent the holiday instead of having to try to carry everyone else.
I know you might be thinking, “Um ok? How does this relate to abortion?” But stick with me! Even though this obviously is different, I want you to start looking at your grief after abortion as no different than the grief you feel after you’ve lost someone. Yes, in an abortion sin accompanies the grief, but you LOST your child. Grief occurs when we lose someone and doesn’t just go away because we made a choice. We can feel grief in that choice and we absolutely need to allow ourselves to feel it.
I want to share 4 things that you can do this holiday season to support your grief. You absolutely deserve to take care of your heart during this time. You don’t need to punish yourself for what you have done by digging a hole to crawl in and hide.
So, here are 4 Things You Can Do to Support Your Forbidden Grief:
- Surround yourself with people who love and support you.
Remember, this may not be your family. Sometimes, our family is negative or not supportive of what we need. It is ok for you to surround yourself instead with the people who DO support you.
These people don’t have to know about your abortion. Some people can be supportive without having to know every detail
It’s perfectly ok for you to say no to spending time with negative people.
- Allow yourself to grieve.
If you feel sad, allow yourself to feel sad.
If you miss your baby, allow yourself to miss your baby.
If you want to change how you celebrate, change how you celebrate. Maybe you’re not going to take a trip to Hawaii, but maybe you’re going to do something different instead of going the traditional route.
- Allow yourself to feel joy.
Again, you don’t have to punish yourself. It’s ok to experience joy! It is possible to feel joy amidst the grief and it is perfectly ok to do so. You don’t need to feel like a bad person or like you don’t deserve it. God wants to meet you where you at and give you grace in the grief.
Allow yourself to do something fun and don’t apologize for it or feel guilty for it.
- Create a new tradition.
There are many different traditions you could start to help you along in your grief during the holidays. Some of them could be dedicated to your child to honor or memorialize them, or you could just find something new to do together to add more joy to the season. Here are a few ideas:
- Buy a Christmas ornament dedicated to your child(ren) lost to abortion.
- Light a candle for your lost child(ren) at the dinner table on the holiday. (Not everyone has to know that’s what the candle is for)
- Hang a stocking for your child(ren) in their honor. (Again, not everyone has to know that’s what this is for if you don’t want them to)
- Pick something new & fun to do as a family to add joy to the season.
Grief is hard, especially during the holidays. Allow yourself to feel the feelings. Don’t punish yourself for your past mistakes. Ask God to guide you and bring you peace in the tough moments. And, don’t be afraid to take care of yourself even if others don’t understand your reasoning.
XO, Brittany
Pin for reading later! ⬇️
View comments
+ Leave a comment