I get asked often, “How did you know you were forgiven? When did you realize that you were healed and forgiven for what you did?” That’s a valid question, and I remember when I also wondered that same thing. How come someone else feels forgiven, but I don’t?
If that’s you, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling that way. You are not the only one out there wondering if God has forgiven you. Hopefully, what I’m about to share with you is going to change your perspective a little bit!
But first, let’s go back in time for a second. It took me 11 years before I finally found freedom from my abortion. 11 years is a long time.
Now, I don’t say that to make it sound daunting for you if you’re early on in your healing journey, or to make you feel like it’s too late for you to heal if your journey has been longer than mine. All of us are going to have different timelines when it comes to our healing.
During those 11 years, I considered myself a believer. I had come back to my faith during that time frame and had grown closer to God than I had ever been before. If I had a relationship with God, why wasn’t I healed yet? If I knew that he forgave me when I repented for my abortion, why did I feel the need to keep continually repenting? I read verses like 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” and knew that meant that all I had to do was ask and He would forgive, but I never felt it.
I was waiting for this feeling to wash over me, and it didn’t come. I would go to church and expect that, as I got closer to God, I would feel this feeling of forgiveness. While going to church did help bring me joy and peace, it was never complete because I didn’t feel like God had fully forgiven me for everything I had done.
It wasn’t until I truly learned what forgiveness is that I was able to step into the freedom that God’s forgiveness truly brings. We all have our own preconceived notions of what forgiveness is, but my guess is that if you’re like me when I was unhealed, they might not be aligned with the Bible. That’s not a call out at all and does not come from a place of condemnation, because I was the same way. I had the same thoughts. Society does us a huge disservice when it comes to teaching us about true forgiveness because they leave God completely out of the equation. We’re taught that it’s ok to hold grudges, and that grace is “weak.” That just couldn’t be further from the truth.
There were 3 things that were pivotal for me when it came to understanding what forgiveness is so that I could finally understand that yes, God had forgiven me.
Forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion.
- Like I said earlier, I was waiting for this “feeling,” but it never came. I was waiting for some sort of feeling to wash over me to let me know that I was forgiven. Instead, I needed to look at forgiveness as a choice. God chose to forgive me, so I didn’t need to “feel” like He did.
Forgiveness deepens our trust in God
- I mentioned 1 John 1:9 a bit ago. If I was reading God’s word, and seeing that He says He forgives us if we confess our sins, but wasn’t believing that He had in fact forgiven me, then I was not putting my trust in Him. I was basically reading His word and saying, “Well God, I don’t believe you.” I had to learn to trust that what God says in His word is true, and I needed to believe it.
Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting
- I was taught in church at a young age that “God forgives and forgets.” That didn’t sit well with me, because I was also taught that God knows everything, even before we do it, and He is everywhere. If He knows everything and is everywhere, then how does He just forget something that we have done? I had to learn that God doesn’t forget our sins, but He chooses not to define us by our past mistakes. When we repent, we are washed clean by the blood of Jesus. Isaiah 1:18 says, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” God’s forgiveness isn’t about Him forgetting our sin, but instead washing it clean and giving us hope in Him.
Accepting God’s forgiveness for abortion is not easy, especially when you’re waiting for a feeling. I pray that learning what forgiveness truly is helps you understand that once you’ve repented, God has forgiven you and it is finished.
XO, Brittany
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